I read a news article about a woman who spilled her full size cruiser. It said she was saved when her implants acted like an air bag and saved her from extensive injury. She then added that she regretted not opting for the Botox lip and nose job. She felt if she had, her perfect three point landing would have been flawless and all injuries avoided.
Several government officials volunteered to look into the advantages of implants to decide if every female rider should be required to get them and what would be the perfect size. They bought in Pamela Anderson as an expert on the subject and asked if she had ever fallen and had her implants save her from injury. She reported that, as hard as it is to believe, she has never fallen forward.
The paper also reported that the woman’s boyfriend, who was riding on the back, suffered sever road rash to the backs of his hands. Once again demonstrating the need to wear protective gloves on your hands or hold onto something safer when riding. Perhaps that is what caused her to lose control and next time he should keep a bag of Jello in each pocket to play with instead.
In an unrelated story Sumo wrestlers were reported getting implants on the top of their head so they could meet minimum height requirements for their sport. (No kidding… I could not make this stuff up)
This got me to thinking there is a whole new industry just waiting to happen. If we could get implants approved as safety equipment we could do away with helmets. Finally a lot of large headed riders could be free of the uncomfortable and over heated brain buckets.
Riders could shed their heavy leathers for tank tops during the hot days of summer… providing they didn’t mind being a little busty. A side effect for guys is other guys might think twice about hitting them in a bar room brawl giving them that split second advantage that often makes the difference. Depending on how heavy their beard is they might not even have to buy their own drinks. Buy I seem to be digressing…
As the days become cooler again I find it easier to wear all my gear but how far do we have to go. Did the leathers and helmets help the Montreal rider who had an overpass fall on him? Were the folks in the cars beside him any better off? The only way to remain perfectly safe is not to leave the house and hope an airplane doesn’t fall on it while you are home.
It reminded me of the big push for ski helmets a few years ago when Sonny Bono died less than a week after Michael, the 39-year-old son of Robert F. Kennedy, who also died skiing. It seems when every there is a sensational accident or celebrity death we all have to pay a higher price somehow. I couldn’t help but think what would happen is someone famous got carried away and died after striking the headboard too hard. The official in charge of homeland and sexual protection (HASP) would propose a law that everyone had to wear a helmet before having sex. I can hear the wife now… “not tonight honey… I can’t find my helmet.” Or she feels in the mood in the wee hours of the morning and I have to turn her down because I left the helmet on the handle bars in the garage and I don’t feel like going out to get it… Yeah I can see that happening… because none of us want to do anything illegal.
So where is this all going you ask? What is the purpose of this meandering? Frankly it was a way to get my mind of that poor lady sliding down the road on her big air bags. I had begun to think of what kind of first aid you offer to apply to such an accident victim? Would kissing them better help? Then I decided I should occupy my mind with more meaningful thoughts… that is when the business opportunities began to come to me.
So watch for my new implant protection system which will be marketed under the name “Tough Inside Trusty Shields” or T.I.T.S. for short. If you think it is something you would like to buy to protect a woman you care for… call me, I’ll drop by and measure her for the equipment myself.